I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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