you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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