6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
