her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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