my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
love makes seman taste better
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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