Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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