I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
