gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
