So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
