I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
