I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
