I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
