good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
