I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
