Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
