you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
