In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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