I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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