My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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