then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
