taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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