Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
