Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
