I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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