I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
