I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
