i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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