Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.