Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard