New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
