I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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