My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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