my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
