Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
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threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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