u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
