My liver just broke up with me...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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