We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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