my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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