The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
