who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively