Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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