Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
