I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
