the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
