stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
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