I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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