my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
