PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
