I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
