I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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