he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
