Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
