I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
