just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
