I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
look no pants
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
