I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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