insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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