My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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